Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
the #horror is real!
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan