Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
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Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.