What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
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I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
True
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My teenage children choosing violence
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet