“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
You Might Also Like
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
God, I love Scotland
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.