[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
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*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Great Canadian literature.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
i want the dreams to chase me for once
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom