I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
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Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Actually cracking up @ this
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.