yea so i messed up lol
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Mood.. 😂
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
no regrets
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.