Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
You Might Also Like
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
wow he looks just like him
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.