Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.