me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
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[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!