I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
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People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.