The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
You Might Also Like
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.