[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
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When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Natty or not?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol