doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
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I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Mission: Impossible
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.