me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
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Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.