football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
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my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.