so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
FRED: right
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”