Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
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popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad