if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
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Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
*ernest hemingway voice*
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
What about a To-Don’t List?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.