I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
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[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger鈥榮 undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it鈥檚 great
date: so good
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Your friends will stand by you even when you鈥檙e at your worst because people are stupid
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber鈥檇
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
hyundai called it sonata because it鈥檚 sonata good car
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 馃檪
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 馃檨
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I鈥檓 obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I鈥檓 having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter鈥檚 greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!