BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
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My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…