how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Pretty much! 😂👀
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
A dad and his duck
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.