Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
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Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me