Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
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Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.