The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
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think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?