People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
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🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Body by cheese-puffs.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.