I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
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I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.