[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
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Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
this is me
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”