I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
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I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Just so funny
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.