My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
You Might Also Like
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
rich people when they have to pay taxes
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.