Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
#Caturday
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4