me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
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prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
my favorite genre of twitter
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
💯😂
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope