Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
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My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks