Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Wait a minute…
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out