Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*bites zombie*
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ