I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
love pickles so much i put myself in one