I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
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Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
This is the one
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*