Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
felt that
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.