If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
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If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS