Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
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Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
mentally somewhere in italy
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped