A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
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Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
What about second breakfast?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg