It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
kevin is now a local weatherman
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
The news is so predictable nowadays
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.