Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
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shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.