A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
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When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I’ve been learning to cook.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks