[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
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ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Pizza is an emotion right?
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
as is their right
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!