Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
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Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
What the hell happened here.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat