Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
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I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
How to properly lift a body
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.