Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
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Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Well, shit
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing