doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
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friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers