I’m an asshole.
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Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.